10 Hints for Saying No: A Vital Boundary-Setting Skill

Difficulties telling people “no” are very common for those who identify as being nice, helpful, and responsible. It’s a common response to social expectations, attachment issues, and a wide range of childhood trauma/neglect. Being a “people pleaser” or “yes man” is a perceived way to stay safe (physically and/or emotionally) and unassuming in our society. We also trap ourselves into saying yes out of fear that people won’t like us, it will create conflict, or we will get in trouble if we say no.

However, saying “yes” chronically requires us to minimize our own needs and feelings. It shuts us off from our authentic self, and can easily create resentment and exhaustion over time. It is impossible to set good boundaries while avoiding saying no. Telling others “no” is only problematic when the person we’re talking to is problematic. Once we start to say “no,” we start to weed out the good supportive relationships from the bad toxic ones.

But once you want to start saying no…. where do you actually start? It’s certainly easier said in your head than out loud! This list provides strategies that will make saying “no” easier, and more successful. Practicing is a key part too, because the more you say no the easier it gets. You may never need to use all of these hints at once, but using a few at a time is always a good idea.

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1. Use body language that demonstrates confidence (direct eye contact, good posture, calm firm voice). Oof, this is a tough one! The other hints can be totally undermined if your body language is shaky. This usually takes practice - talk to yourself in the mirror rehearsing a refusal, make sure your body language is believable!

WARNING: Unhealthy people can smell a lack of confidence a mile away. If they read your body language as anything less than confidence, they see an opportunity to change your mind and persuade you into saying yes. Body language can be just as important as the words you say.

2. Avoid answering with “maybe” - it is a common way to avoid saying no when we actually mean no. Sometimes a “maybe” means we need more information or time, so just say that instead, or tell them when you will be able to get back to them with an answer. Clear communication saves relationships!

REFRAME: We justify “maybe” as sounding nicer or less harsh than a direct “no,” but in reality it’s just confusing! Over time it may hurt your healthy relationships, because they

3. State where you stand: yes or no. If you are unsure, explain that you want time to think it over. If you’re going to say “yes,” mean it! Avoid getting in the habit of saying yes now and changing your mind later; that will be even harder for them and make you appear less reliable.

4. Ask for clarification if you do not fully understand the request. Healthy people want you to make a decision that is good and works for you, so they’re happy to provide more details.

5. Use the word “No” when declining. It is more definite and powerful than, “Well, I don’t think so.”

REFRAME: Healthy people want to be told “no” if you don’t want to or can’t do something. It gives them time to adjust their plans, and they know it avoids building resentment. It also creates good boundaries, and a relationship based on autonomy and honesty.

WARNING: If the person ignores your “no,” then they might not be the healthiest person for you. It might be time to rethink the parameters of relationships that ignore or disrespect your wishes and autonomy.

6. Use the “broken record” technique if the person persists in their demands. Do not use excuses. Saying a simple phrase like, “No, I am not comfortable doing that,” and repeating it over and over again will help you stay firm in your stance and send a clear consistent message. You may have to say the same thing over the course of multiple conversations about the topic - just stick with it!

WARNING: Unhealthy people love to overcome your excuses. For example, if you say, “I can’t because I have a meeting,” they might respond, “Oh well just reschedule it instead!” Avoid excuses as reasons if you think they’ll be used against you, or to change your mind.

7. Use words that emphasize you have made a choice. For example, using the words “I won’t” or “I have decided not to” instead of “I can’t” or “I shouldn’t.”

REFRAME: Sometimes we want to give a reason, rather than a simple, “I have decided not to.” That can be helpful for some people to understand you. But spoiler - you don’t need a reason, you don’t owe anyone a reason. Your boundaries are yours, and they’re about your actions and choices. A reason might make you feel less guilty, but it’s totally optional. Most of the time our “no” answers boil down to our comfort level, and we don’t need to justify that to anyone.

8. Use silence or change the subject if the person persists after you have repeated the refusal several times. Sometimes this is easy, sometimes the other person makes it impossible. If necessary, don’t be afraid to end a conversation or interaction early if the other person is not respecting your definite “no.”

9. You may want to acknowledge the other person’s feelings about your refusal. If you know this will be difficult for the person to accept, try saying, “I know this may be disappointing for you, but I will not…” This may help them feel validated and not take your refusal personally.

WARNING: Unhealthy people might use your empathy against you. “Well if you feel so bad, why are you hurting me like this?!” That’s the kind of person you can skip this step with.

10. You may want to offer another suggestion that will meet part of the person’s request. “I am not feeling up to your party this weekend, but can we grab lunch together next week?” This often validates that you don’t want to be absent from their life, making the “no” a little easier to digest. However, don’t offer another suggestion that you still don’t want to do.

WARNING: Unhealthy people might take a mile if you try to give them an inch. Skip this one if you think they’ll use your compromise as a foot in the door to get more out of you than you want.

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Hopefully these can help you find some validation in being allowed to say no, sort through the healthy vs unhealthy people in your life, and start prioritizing yourself.

However, saying no always comes with discomfort; it fades over time, but initially it might be extremely strong. That doesn't mean you're doing something wrong, but it does mean you need to ride out the discomfort and practice saying no more regularly.

For more information about boundary setting, check out the book Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab.

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This article was written from a therapy handout that was adapted, inspired, evolved, and influenced by a trauma recovery program from the Trauma Recovery Associates.